Yokai Tales 2 : Goldilocks and the Three Yokai
by Cricket and White Cat

Okay .. this is part 2 of the fairy tales .. so far only one person caugh me on that one ... *hands Sylph-chan a chocolate bunny* Here tis, featuring WhiteCat-chan, a verteran of YYH-Fic at grafitti ... hope you like!!



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Cat and Cricket Production Presses Presents:

STORY TWO: Goldilocks and the Three Yokai

Classification: Slight spoof, slight scenes of yaoi


Disclaimer: All characters, situations and places pertaining to Yu*Yu*Hakusho are copyrighted and owned by Tagashi-san and Shonen Jump Weekly. Exceptions to this is the character of Yo-mawari and the lands of Yomatsu Hara-Sakai, which are owned by me!

Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a fairy tale, but I can't remember who it's considered copyrighted under! Sorry, but whoever owns the copyrights have absolutely no affiliation whatsoever with this piece



by: Cricket and WhiteCat-chan


... or, What Did You Do This Time?!

Yusuke eyed the closed script nervously as he entered the set; somehow, the fact that he was called on-set for "Goldilocks" worried him immensely ... but not as much as the fact that Cricket had announced she was taking on an assitant director. He tried to guess who it would be; Katchan? She was a good writer - hell, she'd even given him a whole story to star in with Keiko - but the fairy tales *she* wrote ... he shuddered and banished the thought.

None of the other fanfic writers really had any favor with him ... so who the hell could it be? He mentaly coached himself, trying to bring up some flavor of optimism into his brain ... they wouldn't DARE!!

Cricket was seated in her directors chair, flipping through the script impatiently, ticking off certain parts with a huge, pink highlihter. She glanced briefly at him as he entered her view, then gestured silently for him to follow the costumers ... on his way, he passed Yo-mawari and Hiei, but there was no sign of Kurama ...

... until a door opened in his face. He stumbled backwards with a garbled "Yaaaaah!", quickly rubbing his now-sore nose. Yusuke grumbled lowly, complaining as he did best, and looked up ... and blinked a few times, jaw dropping way past his shoulders at what he saw.

Kurama flashed an impish smile and winked. "Well? How do I look?" he asked coyly, twirling to show off the full skirt of the blue, flowery dress that framed his perfect figure. Yusuke fell over in mock-death, staring blankly at the ceiling, gurgling something uncomprehendable. Kurama raised an eyebrow and watched his friend wallow on the floor for a short while before he leaned over him and called his name. "Yuusuke? Yuusuke-kun?"

"I think he's in shock," Yo-ma said dryly, appearing through the door behind his twin. "Do you know how *weird* it is, seeing someone who looks so much like me in a dress?"

Kurama made a face, (since face-faulting is obviously something Kurama could not do gracefully) wrinkling his nose at the tall figure . The two exchanged a typical sibling-rivalry glance then Yo-mawari quickly brushed past them. "Come on. The sooner everybody gets back, the sooner we find out who our lovely director roped in to help her scream and yell and make everyone's life miserable."

They ended up having to drag the still-dazed Yusuke back to where Cricket was pacing impatiently, wearing a path through the wooden floor of the sound stage. She raised an eyebrow at Kurama's dress and the blank, swirly-eyed look on Yuusuke's face, but said nothing as she crossed her arms and began to talk. "Okay! Everyone! Like I said, we're gettin' a new assistant director ... she's new at this, period ... so I expect that you all will be *nice* -" she stressed the word, glaring at Hiei, who glowered back, "and helpful when she comes. Okay?"


Cricket could hear her fellows chirping in the background, silently warning the cast about her hair-trigger anger. Cricket glared each one of the members down, reaching evilly behind her back for something.

"OKAY?!!!!!!" she screammed, this time through the Sonic-Boom Megaphone she so proudly wielded. The wind from the single word blew everyone back - even Hiei, who flew back and sat blinking at her from atop one of the lights as the winds calmed down. She raised the megaphone again, prepared to ask them all one more time, then stopped when a chorus of agreements followed her action.

She smiled sweetly, stowing the megaphone, taking on an overly innocent fascade. "Good." She turned and opened the door. "WhiteCat-chan, you can come in now."

Nothing happened. The whole cast and crew craned their necks around, trying to be the first to see their new assistant director, when ...

... from behind them, a girl's voice spoke up. "Oi. What's everyone looking at?"

Everyone turned around and facefaulted. There was a young girl there, one that Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei vagely remembered from a few months ago, staring at them innocently. She wasn't very tall - maybe a few inches taller than Hiei - and she was dressed completely in perfect white. If that wasn't a dead give-away of who she was, the big black letters that read "WhiteCat-chan desu" on the back of her shirt was.

She blinked at the collective look she got. "What? What I'd do?" she asked, edging away from them. Cricket recovered first, darting forward and grabbing her friend's hand, dragging her through the crowd that everyone else has formed.

"Director's conference!!" she called. "Yusuke, get your arse into a dressing room and get changed! Kurama, stop teasing Hiei! Hiei, I want you to put that sword *up*! Yo-ma, do something constructive! Don't stand there like an idiot, honey! MOVE!" she barked, sparking a chain reaction as the crew moved at once to obey her orders, crashing into each other and causing a tangled pile of bodies on the floor. Cricket and WhiteCat both developed a little sweatdrop on the top of their heads, then bent together, whispering hurriedly.

Yusuke extracted himself from the puddle, then limped towards the dressing room with his name on it. He eyed the tacked-on gold star suspiciously; this didn't bode well with him. He pushed the door open with a powerful shove .... and prompltly face-faulted. Lying neatly laid out on the make-up table lay a frilly, lacey and utterly PINK dress ... somplemented by a large, styled blonde wig. Yusuke stared at the costume so neatly laid out for him, pristine and pressed. He facefaulted again, sweatdropped, then turned red. Leaning out of his doorway, he called in mock-sweetness, "Who decided the costumes for this production?"

Cricket blinked, then raised her hand, waving with a playful smile.

Yusuke's grin turned feral. "C'mere. I got a bone to pick with you."

SCENE ONE: The house of the Three Little Yokai

Yo-mawari clanged the lid on the porridge pot loudly, watching it clatter around before settling into position. He gave the pot a satisfied smile and rubbed his hands together, turning from the stove.

Hiei and Kurama sat together on top of the large, wooden table, Kurama nicely showing off his slender figure in a fitting, blue-flowered dress, Hiei fiddling with a large PINK pacifier and grumbling to himself.

Papa Yo-ma held back a chuckle, receiving a menacing glare from Baby- Hiei, the fire demon shooting invisible daggers across the room. Yo-mawari dodged the daggers and spoke his lines. "So ... let's go for a picnic!"

From out of nowhere, Yo-mawari whipped out a large picnic basket, wielding it proudly before him and smiled

"What's a picnic?" Hiei puttered out from behind the PINK pacifier. He glared at Yo-mawari's cheerful expression, muttering something about wishing he had never heard about fairy tales, his language going from complaining to obscene before Kurama cuffed him lightly on the back of the head.

Mama-Kurama smiled widely, leaning over and resting his head on the yokai's stiff, black hair. "It's really fun ..." he winked impishly, drawing a groan from Baby-Hiei, who folded his arms and glared, sucking the pacifier petulantly. Mama-Kurama laughed and kissed his nose, which only made Hiei wrinkle his forehead and glare.

Papa Yo-ma cleared his throat and slung the picnic basket over his shoulder. "By the time we get back, the porridge should be done."

"What's porridge?" Hiei grumbled sullenly, still obviously upset.

Whether it was over the pacifier or the fact that Kurama was tickling his sides and he couldn't retaliate, no one could tell.

WhiteCat poked Cricket in the side. "I thought you said Kurama was giving him lessong about things in the human world that we plan to be using so we didn't have him asking stupid questions like that!"

Cricket glared back, rubbing her sore side. "So he *said*," she huffed, gesturing to Kurama's actions with his "son". She crossed her arms across her chest and glared back at the set.

Hiei frantically fended the man in the blue dress off, swatting at the wandering hands like an annoying fly, wiggling out from under his strong grip. "Yer supposed to be my mom, NOT my ..." Baby-Hiei trailed off, gnawing on the pink pacifier. "Never mind."

Kurama smiled sweetly before swinging Hiei up like the baby he was supposed to be playing and bundled him out the door, almost leaving Yo-mawari and their picnic behind.

Yusuke bounced along with a forced smile on his face, succeeding only in looking constipated as he skipped up the forest path, swinging a small basket back and forth. Adorning his head was a big, boofy blonde wig, the curls flopping about his head and face as he skipped. Throughout the whole ordeal, he was mentally sharpening the knife for both his directors, the smile on his face becoming more real as he imagined just exactly how those two would suffer before they died ...Yusuke continued to bounce along, the smile growing larger and wider ... truning the innocently cute Goldilocks to an evilly plotting young man in a ridiculouse costume.

Just up the path, he spotted a small log cabin nestled sweetly between a few trees. He skipped to a halt, adjusting the ridiculous wig on his head.

"Oh joy ... a cabin!" he squeaked in a false soprano, putting his hands to his cheek and fluttering his lashes "cutely." Digging around in his basket, he came out with a single apple. His stomach grumbled in protest, demanding it's daily supply of fill from the blonde. "Maybe there's something decent to eat in there!"


Yusuke waited patiently, tapping a foot as he nonchalantly looked around the foresty glade. "Oh! Guess no one's home!" He drew back, bundling up the skirt and petticoat of the pink dress, revealing jeans underneath, and kicked the door in with one expertly landed blow.

The door fell fat in, echoing a resounding KATHUMP through the house. Yusuke made a big 'Oppsy!' face, glad for the lessons Ranma-chan had been giving him in "girl kawaiiness," and stepped carefully in.

In the center of the room ... most likely the kitchen ... sat a large oak table with three chairs .. on absolutely HUMONGOUS chair at the head of the table, a smaller wooden chair beside it, filled with carved roses, and a smaller chair nestled neatly beside that one.

Yusuke shrugged, tugging the blonde wig back into place. Something was cooking ... smelled like .. "Oatmeal?" He glanced around nervously, peering into the darkness of the outer set, and noticed WhiteCat frantically waving a large white sign around. "Podige?" he asked in confusion, raising a hand to his brow, shielding the overhead lights.

"Porridge!" someone cued from off-stage"

"Uh ... porridge!" Yusuke corrected loudly, wiggling about in the dress. He crossed the room and took the top off the pot. It smelled delicious .. like fresh baked hot-apple pie. His favorite!


Everybody stopped and stared at WhiteCat, who was now brandishing a bottle of whipping cream. "Okay ... hold still, Yuusuke-kun," she instructed, pushing the little button down and accidently spraying Yuusuke all over his face. "oops ..."

He sighed in resignition, accepted her proffered towel, and wiped his face clean. "Be more carefuly next - gak!" This time, her aim hit on-target, filling his mouth with the white foamy stuff. She grinned and settled back into her chair.

Cricket raised her megaphone. "Aaaaaaaaand ... Action!"

Foaming at the mouth like a rabid dog, Yusuke scooped up the three bowls that were set beside the pot, forgetting to keep the "cute" act going ... Whipped cream plopped out of his mouth, landing on the front of the costume, all over the stove and peppered the floor below him. He shrugged, whiping a hand across his mouth and looked the three bowels over ... one ridiculously HUGE bowl, a smaller bowl, scribbled in roses and a small, plain bowl. Yusuke quickly filled each bowl with the apple-pie smelling food, loading his arms full ... and turned to the table.

"The BIG chair!" he nodded, crossing the room and setting all three bowls before the chair. With a great leap, he climbed the side of the chair, settling nicely in it, instantly stuffing his face full with the apple-porridge.

In no time flat he emptied the bowl, shoving it out before him with a satisfied 'aaaaahhhhhhhh!!'

*Grumble grumble*

"Whoops! Still hungry." He reached for the smaller bowl scribbled with roses ... but found it just out of reach. With a smirk, Yusuke pushed himself over the arm of the enormous chair, slinking down into the smaller one, decorated in rose carvings. In his exodus from the large chair, he somehow managed to push the thing over, sending it smashing to the floor in a huge THUMP!, taking him down with it. He blinked from his position on the floor a few times, shaking his head to make sure nothing had come loose before remembering he had lines at this part ...

"Whoops! Oh well!" he shrugged, and hoisted himself to his feet, ploping down in the rose-scribbled chair, preceding to load shovel-fulls of the porridge into his mouth ... sooner than the last, it was completely gone.

The last and smallest bowl sat comfortably before the tiny, slim chair. "Aw, heck .. why not!" He pushed himself from the table, sending the rose- scribbled chair tumbling backwards. "Hmm..." Yusuke regarded the chair with a look then turned to nestle snugly into the small chair.

Soon, the porridge was being heaped into his mouth ...

*kreek ...* Yusuke paid no attention to the noise, continuing to stuff his big mouth full of food ..


Yusuke froze as the chair continued to kreek and groan under his weight.

"Uh oh!" he muffled, spitting porridge around the table.


The chair shattered under his weight, splintering into a million pieces, sending him crashing to his butt on the floor. "OUCH!!!" Yusuke flailed on the floor, rolling to prop himself on his feet, dusting off the pink frilly dress. "Uhgh ... my achin' backside! Gotta go lie down!

As he tromped up the stairs, he made a mental note to himself to never call Keiko anything deragatory when it came to grace or anything of the like ever again. How the hell could she *walk* in these stupid shoes, anyway?

And the skirt ... ick ... he shuddered, and continued up the stairs.

The first bed was absolutely immense, towering above Yusuke a good ten feet. "You're kiddin, right?" he said to himself, walking over to the ladder. He sighed and began to climb, occasionally stepping on the stupid pink dress before he made it up to the actual bed itself. It was like a front lawn ... stretching nicely out before him for a goor ten feet i every direction. He stepped out onto the bed, feeling it undulate and shift under his weight, leaving little foot-indentations on the neatly kept green bed spread. "Hmm ... not too sharp on heights myself ... " he looked over the edge of the bed, seeing a deep red blanket and rose-shaped pillows about 4 feet below.

"Heh heh .. BONZAI!!" Yusuke leapt off the huge bed, sailing though the air, the pink dress flying up and blocking his vision ...


Yusuke hit the deep red bed, busting the mattress clean though the bed frame, sinking down below the shattered rails. "Heh ... oops! How'm I gonna explain that one?" He began to lift himself from the bed and noticed two differently-shaped indentions in the sheets and shook his head. "I don't want to know, I *don't* want to know ..."

He shrugged and crawled quickly out ... the last bed looked perfect. Set in deep black, it looked just like a normal bed .... not so huge that you needed to be air-lifted to it, not so frail and RED that you felt like you were sleeping in a rose patch ... just right!

Mama-Kurama had Hiei settled comfortably in his lap atop the blue, flowery dress, playing with his hair, ticking his neck ... being randomly swatted at by the little yokai. He attempted to plait the stiff black hair into a French braid, but found it impossible ... so he just mussed it up and laughed at his results.

Yo-Mawari checked an imaginary watch and stood to his feet. "Porridge should be done! Let's head home!"

Mama-Kurama pouted as Hiei stood quickly to his feet, chewing away on the large pink pacifier. The two exchanged a look as Hiei helped Kurama to his feet, and they gathered the picnic stuff and headed home.

The Three Yokai walked conversing along the path up to their little cabin, seeing it nestled sweetly between some trees as they came up. But upon approaching the house, they found that the door had been kicked in.

"VANDALS!!" Hiei yelled, quickly unsheathing his katana.

"Now now ... baby's shouldn't play with swords!" Mama-Kurama grinned widely, taking the katana gently from Hiei, giving him a loving peck on the cheek. Hiei growled lowly, grumbling ... crossing his arms rebelliously across hischest.

Cricket blinked rapidly, staring at the blade in Kurama's hands.

"Where did the little guy get that?!" she hissed at WhiteCat, who spread her hands helplessly. "I want to know how he did that! If I could do that, I'd never have to worry about exams again!"

WhiteCat winked. "Or plane tickets?"

"Yeah!" The two directors high-fived, then continued watching their production.

Yo-mawari stepped inside, looking around the wrecked kitchen. Quickly he walked to the table and stood over his huge, over turned chair. "Hm ... I think someone's been sitting in my chair!"

Mama-Kurama tugged his chair up from the floor. "Someone's been sitting in my chair too!"

Hiei kicked around the splintered remnants of his chair with a greunt, shoving his hands dep into his pockets. "Some lard-ass has been sittin' in my chair ... damn near broke the floor too!"

Papa Yo-ma chewed on his bottom lip, reaching across the table and taking up his bowl. "And someone's been eating out of my bowl."

Mama-Kurama shadowed the action, showing his brother his bowl. "Mine too."

Hiei snorted, tossing his bowl back to the table. "Some pig's been eatin' outta my bowl too ... got porridge on the floor ...on the table .. on what's left of the chair ..."

Yo-mawari yawned. "Oh well ... we'll clean it up in the morning. BED TIME!!"

Kurama smiled a playfully smile, receiving a groan from Hiei.

Yo-mawari expertly climbed the ladder to his bed, poking his head up over the framework. His smile turned to a frown as he saw foot prints walking neatly across his bed. "YO! Hey down there! Someone's been ... er ... walking on my bed!"

Below, Kurama crossed his arms across his chest, regarding the smashed remnants of his bed with a smirk. "Yeah! Well, it looks like someone used my bed as a landing pad!"

"Well, there's some moron SLEEPING in my bed! Can I kill 'im??" Hiei snarled, barring his fangs.

The Three Yokai all gathered around the bed, watching the sleeping blonde in the pink dress. Yo-mawari counted to the others silently. One ... two ... three ...

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" all three of the screamed to the blonde lump.

"WAAAAAAAAHH!!!" the blonde lump leapt straight out of bed, crashing to the floor beside in a large, painful thump.

Kurama and Yo-mawari both hit the floor, laughing in hysterics ... Hiei simply grunted, watching the blonde lump try to pull itself to its feet.

"Baka. Crazy kitsune's."

Yo-mawari regained his composure, rising to his feet and pulling Kurama up with him. Together, the Three Yokai watched the blonde lump get to its feet and turned around ...

"Yu .. Yu ...Yusuke???" Kurama gasped ... and fought back a smirk

"Ah, shut up!" he yelled, adjusting the blonde wig.

One by one ... even little Hiei ... the yokai's began to snicker ... the snickers growing into laughter .. the laughter growing into fits of hysterics, until finally the entire stage, cast and crew were rolling over the floor, pointing fingers at Yusuke in the ridiculous outfit. WhiteCat and Cricket were leaning back-to-back, giggling insanely, each of them holding a camera and snapping pictures, which only made Yusuke's face go redder.

"AH!! SHUT UP!!!" He bellowed. He ripped the wig off and tossed it to the floor, glaring down the entire sound-stage ... only increasing the laughters.

WhiteCat grinned evilly, then gestured to Cricket. The two put their heads together, their low conversation drowned out by the laughter. "So ... what story are we gonna do next?"

Cricket smiled evilly ... the greas of her yaoi-filled brain begining to spin.

"Hmm ... dunno ... " The two directors exchanged and equally knowing glance and busted up laughing again along with the entire sound stage.

(c) July, 1997 by Cat and Cricket Presses

Cricket, Director

WhiteCat, Assistant Director

This is a work of fiction: Any similarities to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I have received absolutely NO compensation for this fic at all, I'm simply a fan writing for enjoyment for other fans, so please don't sue me! In the event that this, or any other work of mine receives a disapproval from Tagashi-san, I will gladly pull it off the internet.

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