Yokai Tales 2 : Goldilocks and the
by Cricket and White Cat
Okay .. this is part 2 of the fairy tales .. so
far only one person caugh me on that one ... *hands Sylph-chan a chocolate
bunny* Here tis, featuring WhiteCat-chan, a verteran of YYH-Fic at grafitti ...
hope you like!!
Cat and Cricket Production
STORY TWO: Goldilocks and the
Classification: Slight spoof,
slight scenes of yaoi
Disclaimer: All characters,
situations and places pertaining to Yu*Yu*Hakusho are copyrighted and owned by
Tagashi-san and Shonen Jump Weekly. Exceptions to this is the character of
Yo-mawari and the lands of Yomatsu Hara-Sakai, which are owned by me!
Goldilocks and the Three
Bears is a fairy tale, but I can't remember who it's considered copyrighted
under! Sorry, but whoever owns the copyrights have absolutely no affiliation
whatsoever with this piece
GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE
by: Cricket and WhiteCat-chan
CAST BRIEFING ...
... or, What Did You Do This
Yusuke eyed the closed script
nervously as he entered the set; somehow, the fact that he was called on-set for
"Goldilocks" worried him immensely ... but not as much as the fact
that Cricket had announced she was taking on an assitant director. He tried to
guess who it would be; Katchan? She was a good writer - hell, she'd even given
him a whole story to star in with Keiko - but the fairy tales *she* wrote ... he
shuddered and banished the thought.
None of the other fanfic
writers really had any favor with him ... so who the hell could it be? He
mentaly coached himself, trying to bring up some flavor of optimism into his
brain ... they wouldn't DARE!!
Cricket was seated in her
directors chair, flipping through the script impatiently, ticking off certain
parts with a huge, pink highlihter. She glanced briefly at him as he entered her
view, then gestured silently for him to follow the costumers ... on his way, he
passed Yo-mawari and Hiei, but there was no sign of Kurama ...
... until a door opened in
his face. He stumbled backwards with a garbled "Yaaaaah!", quickly
rubbing his now-sore nose. Yusuke grumbled lowly, complaining as he did best,
and looked up ... and blinked a few times, jaw dropping way past his shoulders
at what he saw.
Kurama flashed an impish
smile and winked. "Well? How do I look?" he asked coyly, twirling to
show off the full skirt of the blue, flowery dress that framed his perfect
figure. Yusuke fell over in mock-death, staring blankly at the ceiling, gurgling
something uncomprehendable. Kurama raised an eyebrow and watched his friend
wallow on the floor for a short while before he leaned over him and called his
name. "Yuusuke? Yuusuke-kun?"
"I think he's in
shock," Yo-ma said dryly, appearing through the door behind his twin.
"Do you know how *weird* it is, seeing someone who looks so much like me in
Kurama made a face, (since
face-faulting is obviously something Kurama could not do gracefully) wrinkling
his nose at the tall figure . The two exchanged a typical sibling-rivalry glance
then Yo-mawari quickly brushed past them. "Come on. The sooner everybody
gets back, the sooner we find out who our lovely director roped in to help her
scream and yell and make everyone's life miserable."
They ended up having to drag
the still-dazed Yusuke back to where Cricket was pacing impatiently, wearing a
path through the wooden floor of the sound stage. She raised an eyebrow at
Kurama's dress and the blank, swirly-eyed look on Yuusuke's face, but said
nothing as she crossed her arms and began to talk. "Okay! Everyone! Like I
said, we're gettin' a new assistant director ... she's new at this, period ...
so I expect that you all will be *nice* -" she stressed the word, glaring
at Hiei, who glowered back, "and helpful when she comes. Okay?"
Cricket could hear her
fellows chirping in the background, silently warning the cast about her
hair-trigger anger. Cricket glared each one of the members down, reaching evilly
behind her back for something.
screammed, this time through the Sonic-Boom Megaphone she so proudly wielded.
The wind from the single word blew everyone back - even Hiei, who flew back and
sat blinking at her from atop one of the lights as the winds calmed down. She
raised the megaphone again, prepared to ask them all one more time, then stopped
when a chorus of agreements followed her action.
She smiled sweetly, stowing
the megaphone, taking on an overly innocent fascade. "Good." She
turned and opened the door. "WhiteCat-chan, you can come in now."
Nothing happened. The whole
cast and crew craned their necks around, trying to be the first to see their new
assistant director, when ...
... from behind them, a
girl's voice spoke up. "Oi. What's everyone looking at?"
Everyone turned around and
facefaulted. There was a young girl there, one that Yusuke, Kurama, and Hiei
vagely remembered from a few months ago, staring at them innocently. She wasn't
very tall - maybe a few inches taller than Hiei - and she was dressed completely
in perfect white. If that wasn't a dead give-away of who she was, the big black
letters that read "WhiteCat-chan desu" on the back of her shirt was.
She blinked at the collective
look she got. "What? What I'd do?" she asked, edging away from them.
Cricket recovered first, darting forward and grabbing her friend's hand,
dragging her through the crowd that everyone else has formed.
conference!!" she called. "Yusuke, get your arse into a dressing room
and get changed! Kurama, stop teasing Hiei! Hiei, I want you to put that sword
*up*! Yo-ma, do something constructive! Don't stand there like an idiot, honey!
MOVE!" she barked, sparking a chain reaction as the crew moved at once to
obey her orders, crashing into each other and causing a tangled pile of bodies
on the floor. Cricket and WhiteCat both developed a little sweatdrop on the top
of their heads, then bent together, whispering hurriedly.
Yusuke extracted himself from
the puddle, then limped towards the dressing room with his name on it. He eyed
the tacked-on gold star suspiciously; this didn't bode well with him. He pushed
the door open with a powerful shove .... and prompltly face-faulted. Lying
neatly laid out on the make-up table lay a frilly, lacey and utterly PINK dress
... somplemented by a large, styled blonde wig. Yusuke stared at the costume so
neatly laid out for him, pristine and pressed. He facefaulted again,
sweatdropped, then turned red. Leaning out of his doorway, he called in
mock-sweetness, "Who decided the costumes for this production?"
Cricket blinked, then raised
her hand, waving with a playful smile.
Yusuke's grin turned feral.
"C'mere. I got a bone to pick with you."
SCENE ONE: The house of the
Three Little Yokai
Yo-mawari clanged the lid on
the porridge pot loudly, watching it clatter around before settling into
position. He gave the pot a satisfied smile and rubbed his hands together,
turning from the stove.
Hiei and Kurama sat together
on top of the large, wooden table, Kurama nicely showing off his slender figure
in a fitting, blue-flowered dress, Hiei fiddling with a large PINK pacifier and
grumbling to himself.
Papa Yo-ma held back a
chuckle, receiving a menacing glare from Baby- Hiei, the fire demon shooting
invisible daggers across the room. Yo-mawari dodged the daggers and spoke his
lines. "So ... let's go for a picnic!"
From out of nowhere,
Yo-mawari whipped out a large picnic basket, wielding it proudly before him and
"What's a picnic?"
Hiei puttered out from behind the PINK pacifier. He glared at Yo-mawari's
cheerful expression, muttering something about wishing he had never heard about
fairy tales, his language going from complaining to obscene before Kurama cuffed
him lightly on the back of the head.
Mama-Kurama smiled widely,
leaning over and resting his head on the yokai's stiff, black hair. "It's
really fun ..." he winked impishly, drawing a groan from Baby-Hiei, who
folded his arms and glared, sucking the pacifier petulantly. Mama-Kurama laughed
and kissed his nose, which only made Hiei wrinkle his forehead and glare.
Papa Yo-ma cleared his throat
and slung the picnic basket over his shoulder. "By the time we get back,
the porridge should be done."
Hiei grumbled sullenly, still obviously upset.
Whether it was over the
pacifier or the fact that Kurama was tickling his sides and he couldn't
retaliate, no one could tell.
WhiteCat poked Cricket in the
side. "I thought you said Kurama was giving him lessong about things in the
human world that we plan to be using so we didn't have him asking stupid
questions like that!"
Cricket glared back, rubbing
her sore side. "So he *said*," she huffed, gesturing to Kurama's
actions with his "son". She crossed her arms across her chest and
glared back at the set.
Hiei frantically fended the
man in the blue dress off, swatting at the wandering hands like an annoying fly,
wiggling out from under his strong grip. "Yer supposed to be my mom, NOT my
..." Baby-Hiei trailed off, gnawing on the pink pacifier. "Never
Kurama smiled sweetly before
swinging Hiei up like the baby he was supposed to be playing and bundled him out
the door, almost leaving Yo-mawari and their picnic behind.
Yusuke bounced along with a
forced smile on his face, succeeding only in looking constipated as he skipped
up the forest path, swinging a small basket back and forth. Adorning his head
was a big, boofy blonde wig, the curls flopping about his head and face as he
skipped. Throughout the whole ordeal, he was mentally sharpening the knife for
both his directors, the smile on his face becoming more real as he imagined just
exactly how those two would suffer before they died ...Yusuke continued to
bounce along, the smile growing larger and wider ... truning the innocently cute
Goldilocks to an evilly plotting young man in a ridiculouse costume.
Just up the path, he spotted
a small log cabin nestled sweetly between a few trees. He skipped to a halt,
adjusting the ridiculous wig on his head.
"Oh joy ... a
cabin!" he squeaked in a false soprano, putting his hands to his cheek and
fluttering his lashes "cutely." Digging around in his basket, he came
out with a single apple. His stomach grumbled in protest, demanding it's daily
supply of fill from the blonde. "Maybe there's something decent to eat in
Yusuke waited patiently,
tapping a foot as he nonchalantly looked around the foresty glade. "Oh!
Guess no one's home!" He drew back, bundling up the skirt and petticoat of
the pink dress, revealing jeans underneath, and kicked the door in with one
expertly landed blow.
The door fell fat in, echoing
a resounding KATHUMP through the house. Yusuke made a big 'Oppsy!' face, glad
for the lessons Ranma-chan had been giving him in "girl kawaiiness,"
and stepped carefully in.
In the center of the room ...
most likely the kitchen ... sat a large oak table with three chairs .. on
absolutely HUMONGOUS chair at the head of the table, a smaller wooden chair
beside it, filled with carved roses, and a smaller chair nestled neatly beside
Yusuke shrugged, tugging the
blonde wig back into place. Something was cooking ... smelled like ..
"Oatmeal?" He glanced around nervously, peering into the darkness of
the outer set, and noticed WhiteCat frantically waving a large white sign
around. "Podige?" he asked in confusion, raising a hand to his brow,
shielding the overhead lights.
cued from off-stage"
"Uh ... porridge!"
Yusuke corrected loudly, wiggling about in the dress. He crossed the room and
took the top off the pot. It smelled delicious .. like fresh baked hot-apple
pie. His favorite!
Everybody stopped and stared
at WhiteCat, who was now brandishing a bottle of whipping cream. "Okay ...
hold still, Yuusuke-kun," she instructed, pushing the little button down
and accidently spraying Yuusuke all over his face. "oops ..."
He sighed in resignition,
accepted her proffered towel, and wiped his face clean. "Be more carefuly
next - gak!" This time, her aim hit on-target, filling his mouth with the
white foamy stuff. She grinned and settled back into her chair.
Cricket raised her megaphone.
"Aaaaaaaaand ... Action!"
Foaming at the mouth like a
rabid dog, Yusuke scooped up the three bowls that were set beside the pot,
forgetting to keep the "cute" act going ... Whipped cream plopped out
of his mouth, landing on the front of the costume, all over the stove and
peppered the floor below him. He shrugged, whiping a hand across his mouth and
looked the three bowels over ... one ridiculously HUGE bowl, a smaller bowl,
scribbled in roses and a small, plain bowl. Yusuke quickly filled each bowl with
the apple-pie smelling food, loading his arms full ... and turned to the table.
"The BIG chair!" he
nodded, crossing the room and setting all three bowls before the chair. With a
great leap, he climbed the side of the chair, settling nicely in it, instantly
stuffing his face full with the apple-porridge.
In no time flat he emptied
the bowl, shoving it out before him with a satisfied 'aaaaahhhhhhhh!!'
hungry." He reached for the smaller bowl scribbled with roses ... but found
it just out of reach. With a smirk, Yusuke pushed himself over the arm of the
enormous chair, slinking down into the smaller one, decorated in rose carvings.
In his exodus from the large chair, he somehow managed to push the thing over,
sending it smashing to the floor in a huge THUMP!, taking him down with it. He
blinked from his position on the floor a few times, shaking his head to make
sure nothing had come loose before remembering he had lines at this part ...
"Whoops! Oh well!"
he shrugged, and hoisted himself to his feet, ploping down in the rose-scribbled
chair, preceding to load shovel-fulls of the porridge into his mouth ... sooner
than the last, it was completely gone.
The last and smallest bowl
sat comfortably before the tiny, slim chair. "Aw, heck .. why not!" He
pushed himself from the table, sending the rose- scribbled chair tumbling
backwards. "Hmm..." Yusuke regarded the chair with a look then turned
to nestle snugly into the small chair.
Soon, the porridge was being
heaped into his mouth ...
*kreek ...* Yusuke paid no
attention to the noise, continuing to stuff his big mouth full of food ..
Yusuke froze as the chair
continued to kreek and groan under his weight.
"Uh oh!" he
muffled, spitting porridge around the table.
The chair shattered under his
weight, splintering into a million pieces, sending him crashing to his butt on
the floor. "OUCH!!!" Yusuke flailed on the floor, rolling to prop
himself on his feet, dusting off the pink frilly dress. "Uhgh ... my achin'
backside! Gotta go lie down!
As he tromped up the stairs,
he made a mental note to himself to never call Keiko anything deragatory when it
came to grace or anything of the like ever again. How the hell could she *walk*
in these stupid shoes, anyway?
And the skirt ... ick ... he
shuddered, and continued up the stairs.
The first bed was absolutely
immense, towering above Yusuke a good ten feet. "You're kiddin,
right?" he said to himself, walking over to the ladder. He sighed and began
to climb, occasionally stepping on the stupid pink dress before he made it up to
the actual bed itself. It was like a front lawn ... stretching nicely out before
him for a goor ten feet i every direction. He stepped out onto the bed, feeling
it undulate and shift under his weight, leaving little foot-indentations on the
neatly kept green bed spread. "Hmm ... not too sharp on heights myself ...
" he looked over the edge of the bed, seeing a deep red blanket and
rose-shaped pillows about 4 feet below.
"Heh heh ..
BONZAI!!" Yusuke leapt off the huge bed, sailing though the air, the pink
dress flying up and blocking his vision ...
Yusuke hit the deep red bed,
busting the mattress clean though the bed frame, sinking down below the
shattered rails. "Heh ... oops! How'm I gonna explain that one?" He
began to lift himself from the bed and noticed two differently-shaped indentions
in the sheets and shook his head. "I don't want to know, I *don't* want to
He shrugged and crawled
quickly out ... the last bed looked perfect. Set in deep black, it looked just
like a normal bed .... not so huge that you needed to be air-lifted to it, not
so frail and RED that you felt like you were sleeping in a rose patch ... just
Mama-Kurama had Hiei settled
comfortably in his lap atop the blue, flowery dress, playing with his hair,
ticking his neck ... being randomly swatted at by the little yokai. He attempted
to plait the stiff black hair into a French braid, but found it impossible ...
so he just mussed it up and laughed at his results.
Yo-Mawari checked an
imaginary watch and stood to his feet. "Porridge should be done! Let's head
Mama-Kurama pouted as Hiei
stood quickly to his feet, chewing away on the large pink pacifier. The two
exchanged a look as Hiei helped Kurama to his feet, and they gathered the picnic
stuff and headed home.
The Three Yokai walked
conversing along the path up to their little cabin, seeing it nestled sweetly
between some trees as they came up. But upon approaching the house, they found
that the door had been kicked in.
yelled, quickly unsheathing his katana.
"Now now ... baby's
shouldn't play with swords!" Mama-Kurama grinned widely, taking the katana
gently from Hiei, giving him a loving peck on the cheek. Hiei growled lowly,
grumbling ... crossing his arms rebelliously across hischest.
Cricket blinked rapidly,
staring at the blade in Kurama's hands.
"Where did the little
guy get that?!" she hissed at WhiteCat, who spread her hands helplessly.
"I want to know how he did that! If I could do that, I'd never have to
worry about exams again!"
WhiteCat winked. "Or
"Yeah!" The two
directors high-fived, then continued watching their production.
Yo-mawari stepped inside,
looking around the wrecked kitchen. Quickly he walked to the table and stood
over his huge, over turned chair. "Hm ... I think someone's been sitting in
Mama-Kurama tugged his chair
up from the floor. "Someone's been sitting in my chair too!"
Hiei kicked around the
splintered remnants of his chair with a greunt, shoving his hands dep into his
pockets. "Some lard-ass has been sittin' in my chair ... damn near broke
the floor too!"
Papa Yo-ma chewed on his
bottom lip, reaching across the table and taking up his bowl. "And
someone's been eating out of my bowl."
Mama-Kurama shadowed the
action, showing his brother his bowl. "Mine too."
Hiei snorted, tossing his
bowl back to the table. "Some pig's been eatin' outta my bowl too ... got
porridge on the floor ...on the table .. on what's left of the chair ..."
Yo-mawari yawned. "Oh
well ... we'll clean it up in the morning. BED TIME!!"
Kurama smiled a playfully
smile, receiving a groan from Hiei.
Yo-mawari expertly climbed
the ladder to his bed, poking his head up over the framework. His smile turned
to a frown as he saw foot prints walking neatly across his bed. "YO! Hey
down there! Someone's been ... er ... walking on my bed!"
Below, Kurama crossed his
arms across his chest, regarding the smashed remnants of his bed with a smirk.
"Yeah! Well, it looks like someone used my bed as a landing pad!"
"Well, there's some
moron SLEEPING in my bed! Can I kill 'im??" Hiei snarled, barring his
The Three Yokai all gathered
around the bed, watching the sleeping blonde in the pink dress. Yo-mawari
counted to the others silently. One ... two ... three ...
all three of the screamed to the blonde lump.
the blonde lump leapt straight out of bed, crashing to the floor beside in a
large, painful thump.
Kurama and Yo-mawari both hit
the floor, laughing in hysterics ... Hiei simply grunted, watching the blonde
lump try to pull itself to its feet.
Yo-mawari regained his
composure, rising to his feet and pulling Kurama up with him. Together, the
Three Yokai watched the blonde lump get to its feet and turned around ...
"Yu .. Yu
...Yusuke???" Kurama gasped ... and fought back a smirk
"Ah, shut up!" he
yelled, adjusting the blonde wig.
One by one ... even little
Hiei ... the yokai's began to snicker ... the snickers growing into laughter ..
the laughter growing into fits of hysterics, until finally the entire stage,
cast and crew were rolling over the floor, pointing fingers at Yusuke in the
ridiculous outfit. WhiteCat and Cricket were leaning back-to-back, giggling
insanely, each of them holding a camera and snapping pictures, which only made
Yusuke's face go redder.
"AH!! SHUT UP!!!"
He bellowed. He ripped the wig off and tossed it to the floor, glaring down the
entire sound-stage ... only increasing the laughters.
WhiteCat grinned evilly, then
gestured to Cricket. The two put their heads together, their low conversation
drowned out by the laughter. "So ... what story are we gonna do next?"
Cricket smiled evilly ... the
greas of her yaoi-filled brain begining to spin.
"Hmm ... dunno ...
" The two directors exchanged and equally knowing glance and busted up
laughing again along with the entire sound stage.
(c) July, 1997 by Cat and
WhiteCat, Assistant Director
This is a work of fiction:
Any similarities to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
back to Spin-offs >>