How can I get my parents to spank me?

Since this website was created, a number of young readers have asked this question: "I sometimes feel like I should get a spanking for something I've done. How can I get my parents to spank me?"

Some teenagers wrote they don't really get punished for anything at home. And they were unsatisfied with it. They often had the feeling they needed to be justly punished for a wrong they had committed. The unpunished offense left them with feelings of guilt. They never felt truly forgiven. To them, the cycle: offense - punishment - repentance/forgiveness - was broken.

Other teenagers wrote that their parents use non-corporal punishments (such as grounding), but they would prefer getting a spanking instead. They said they hated groundings because this form of punishment lasts for days or weeks, and there is no forgiveness during all that time. A spanking, in contrast, would mean an immediate, short, intense punishment - and after that the slate were clean again.

Some teenagers and young adults wrote they have certain behavior-related problems (e.g. bad grades or smoking) they would like to get rid of, but can't bring up the willpower to make that change. They believe a stricter regime at home, including spankings when rules were broken, could help them.

Here is a table that compares some of the pro's and con's of grounding and spanking:

no pain
intense pain
takes long time
over quickly
time to think
little time to think
friends know
less humiliating
more humiliating
lower impact
higher impact
no physical risks
risk of abuse/injury
risk of frustration
instead of remorse
might be more

How can teenagers convince their parents to spank them? In practice, this will most often prove an impossible task. Some parents just believe in spanking, others don't. Many people today consider spanking an outdated punishment method which is primitive, cruel, and ineffective at that. There will be hardly any way to convince them of the opposite. Other parents believe in spanking, but consider teenagers too old for this kind of "childish" punishment. If there is any chance at all for a teenager to change his/her parent's minds in this respect, it must be through discussing the issue with them.

Give your best to explain calmy and rationally why you believe spankings would be good for you. Reasonable arguments could be, e.g.:

  • It would help you to cope with guilty feelings.
  • It would help you to feel the gravity of your offense.
  • It would help you to "pay" for your offense.
  • It would help you to make a firm resolution not to repeat the offense.
  • It would help you to improve your future behavior.
  • It would help you to feel forgiven and re-accepted.
In addition, consider showing your parents this website. In particular, the "Reader's feedback" pages could prove helpful.

July 2003: A few words of warning. There are some dangers connected with asking your parents to spank you:

  • Your parents may take you to a psychologist, thinking there must be something mentally wrong with you (see Reader's Feedback, July 18, 2003 for an example)
  • Your parents may think you have masochistic leanings
  • Your parents may spank you harder and/or more often than you'd like them to (see Reader's Feedback, May 4, 2003 for an example)
So be warned. It is probably best to approach the discussion very carefully. Try to find out your parent's opinions regarding other parents spanking their children/teenagers before sharing your own thoughts on this question. Only if you come to some agreement at this point, it may be the right time to suggest that you think you might prefer spankings to other punishments, and ask if they'd agree on a trial period or something like that. Consider making a written agreement if you think such a thing might be helpful to determine the new rules and responsibilities you and your parents will agree on.

Dec 2004: This is a reader's advice on this topic (see also Reader's Feedback, December 14, 2004):

"Before asking for a spanking, remember that, if it is going to be effective, a spanking is going to hurt and is meant to hurt.

OK! You want to be spanked: what do you do next? It is clear that many find the next step very difficult to take. But remember that, if you do not communicate your desire to your parent, nothing is likely to happen.

By far the best way is to mention spanking in conversation. It might be that you could say that a friend has been spanked. There might be an item in a newspaper or magazine. At this stage, you are not talking about being spanked yourself: you are talking about others. But, once the conversation is started, it is much easier to ask, "Why don’t you spank me?"

Another way is to say, particularly after another sanction has been imposed, "I wish that you would let me choose my punishment". If you know that a friend of your parents spanks teenagers, you could ask him or her to raise the topic with your folks. A relative, who believes in spanking, would be an alternative.

If none of these work, you could write a letter or ask your parents to look at an appropriate web page.

However, you must remember that once you have asked, the matter is probably out of your hands. Unless discussions on "How? Who? What? Where? When?" arise, you may not have many choices. You may not be able insist that, say, "Mum spanks me, but Dad doesn’t". Whether or not your bottom is bare, what you are spanked with, how many whacks, etc - these may be decided for you. If you have strong views on these matters, try to make sure that they are discussed as soon as your parents have agreed to spank you when necessary. To wait until you are in trouble is almost certainly too late!

Be very careful if you are thinking of asking someone else to spank. There are some people who really enjoy spanking teenagers. They are a real danger: avoid them! If you feel that you have no alternative but to go down the road of being spanked by someone other than a parent, then choose someone you know very well and trust absolutely. For instance, if you were sleeping at a friend’s house, their Mum or Dad might be regarded as being "in loco parentis" and, to some extent, authority may have been delegated. But ‘someone else’ is, and always will be, second best to your own parents."

Dec 2001: Another reader's advice:

"So much depends on your total relationship with your parents. Basically, I would suggest sitting down with your parents and telling them that you realize that you have certain behavior patterns that are interfering with your life, and making your relationship with your parents less fulfilling than it should be. Tell them honestly that the methods of punishment they are currently using with you do not seem to be working, and that you feel that spankings, administered by the parent of the same gender, would be more helpful.

Ask them to try this as an experiment: For a set period of time, perhaps six months to a year, you would be punished by being spanked. If, after the time is up, there has not been a significant improvement in your behavior and attitudes, your parents will revert to the disciplinary methods they had been using in the past. Or they might agree to this: They would continue to ground you for certain offenses, and spank you for other. You would discuss in advance which offenses are groundable, and which are spankable. This would show which method really works better, by showing which offenses are more greatly decreased.

If you are currently under punishment, try going to your parents and asking them whether the remaining time of your sentence could be erased with a spanking. If your parents are totally opposed to spanking, respect their decision. If, however, they agree to try this form of punishment, I would suggest drawing up a contract, which shall be kept hidden from prying eyes. We, the undersigned, do hereby agree that as of this date, spankings shall be administered for the following offenses. (list them) These spankings shall take the place of all other punishments. You might also agree to some other things, such as: So many spanks instead of so many days' grounding. Not more than one spanking in a certain period of time. If you have committed more than one offense in that time period, one spanking will cover all of them. Parent administering the spanking will say, "This part of the spanking is for..." Parents will also agree that while under sentence of a spanking, the teenager shall be treated as affectionately as usual. Finally, tell your parents not to be afraid to make you cry."

Dec 2001: Some further suggestions for teenagers wanting to persuade their parents to spank them, from another reader:
"1.Refer them to any family friends or relatives who spank their teenage children to show that it is happening in other families.

2.Alternatively ask one of those in 1. above whether they would be prepared to spank you when necessary and then tell your parents.Either they will spank you thmselves because they wouldn't want you to be spanked by someone else or they will give permission for you to be spanked by the other person.Either way you will get the spankings you need.

3.Suggest that it is a little unreasonable to reject the idea without giving it a trial and propose that your parents spank you for an agreed period or give you an agreed number of spankings and then review the results;this also has the benefit of revealing to parents that spanking a teenager may not be as unpleasant or traumatic as they might have thought.

4.See if you can find someone who agrees with your view and whom your parents respect, eg pastor, school principal or professional person and ask your parents to speak to them.

5.Point out to your parents that administering spankings can sometimes be helpful in relieving parents of the stress and frustration of bringing up teenagers.

6.Say that you think that spankings would help strengthen your relationship with them and make you feel closer to them. "

Jan 2002: Another reader sent in this additional advice for teenagers whose parents have agreed to try using spanking as a punishment:

The next time you break a rule, remind your parents of the agreement you have made with them, but do NOT deliberately break a rule in order to see whether or not your parents will actually follow through with a spanking. It isn't fair to test them that way.

Don't expect a spanking to be an easy substitute for some other form of punishment. Being spanked should be at least as unpleasant as being grounded, so that you will want to avoid the behavior which led to the spanking.

You might have to wait for your spanking, because both you and your parents will want privacy, and time to administer the spanking properly. Waiting will not do you any harm. (I do think, however, that a younger child should be spanked as soon after the offense as possible.)

I am opposed to the demerit system: so many demerits = so many spanks. When this system is used, the person being spanked often forgets what each demerit is for. However, if your parents have agreed to spank you for only one fault, the demerit system might work for you.

I still don't recommend it.

For reasons of modesty, the parent of the opposite sex should not be present when a spanking is administered. If, however, the only parent you have is one of the opposite sex, you might agree to the one of the following: Spankings shall be given fully-clothed, instead of on the bare bottom or underwear. Teenager will bend over bed, rather than lying across lap. (It is one thing for a spanking to be a humbling experience, but it should not be humiliating.) The number and/or severity of the spanks will be increased.

If you feel that you do not deserve a spanking, speak up. Your parents will not want to punish you unfairly.

When you are about to get a spanking that you know you deserve, it is up to you to make it as easy as possible on yor parents, since you are the one who suggested that they punish you in this way. Prepare and position yourself without making any fuss about it. There is nothing wrong, however, with saying "OUCH!" and/or crying when you are spanked. In fact, maybe you should ask to be spanked hard enough to make you cry. After all, the whole point is that you are being punished severely enough to take the place of a longer punishment.

After the spanking, say something like,"Mom (Dad), I know how hard it was for you to do that. I will try to behave better from now on, so you won't have to punish me too often." Then, hug. Hugging after a spanking is very important. Actually, hugging is ALWAYS important. I once heard someone ask, "When is a boy too old to hug his father?" I would answer that question: "I don't know. When is a man too old to hug his father?"

So, you've done something wrong, you have been spanked, and now it really hurts you to sit down. You are wondering if this spanking agreement was a mistake. Not to get preachy, but the mistake was in the wrongdoing, not in the punishment. >P> Finally, should you let your friends know that you are now getting spanked instead of losing privileges? That depends on whether or not your parents want you to talk about it (they might consider it to be a private family matter) and how much you really trust your friends. Who knows? They might decide to ask their parents to spank them instead of grounding them.

If the parent who spanks you does a thorough, proper job, you should find yourself thinking along these lines: "Being spanked is just as bad as being grounded. In some ways, it is worse. I'd better not break the rules, and then I won't need to be spanked."

Finally, remember that one of the main reasons for switching over to spankings instead of other punishments is to bring you and your parents closer together. Therefore, you should now try to spend more time with them. There is a big difference between staying home because you are grounded, and staying home in order to have some more family time.

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Last update: Jan-11-2005