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Ace Rimmer Theme when fighting a crocodile
Computer Voice: Ace, we need to find a dimension close by
Ace: Understood, computer. Prepare to jump
Knight: I bid you good day, my lord. I come in search of the knave called 'Lister of Smeg'
Ace (Rimmer): Now wait a minute, old friend, let's just stay calm, shall we?
Knight: Are you one of his household?
Ace (Rimmer): Errr, in a manner of speaking...
Knight: Then prepare to die!
Ace (Rimmer): Let's talk about this shall we, over a pot of tea and some toasted muffins?
Ace (Rimmer): My God! I did it!
Ace (Rimmer): The name's Rimmer
Kryten: Ah, Mr. Ace, sir. Everything okay?
Ace (Rimmer): What? Er, yes, Kryten. Krytie.
Ace (Rimmer): Uh-huh, yeah, everything's fine.
Kryten: Are you sure, sir, you sound a little different?
Ace (Rimmer): Errr, could you be more specific?
Kryten: Er, 67% more weasely.
Ace (Rimmer): Eeeeerrrrrrr, sore throat, er, sore throat. Er, um, bug going around, a holographic virus. But it affects humans too. Arnie's got it. I've quarantined him for twenty-four hours; no one's to go near him.
Kryten: Ah, I was just wondering, sir: we've run out of bacofoil about six months ago; I don't suppose you have a spare jacket I might roast a chicken in?
Ace (Rimmer): Listen, you stupid, jumped-up little son-of-a -- Ohhhhhhh! Sorry, old friend; afraid not, catch you later.
Ace:Hold on, Princess!
Princess: Oh please, Ace, call me Beryl!
Ace: Just concentrate! Feel the wind on your face; *be* the wind, Arnie. Unleash the wild power you know lurks inside you. Be the cougar running free and unfettered through the mountains.
Rimmer: Be the what?
Ace: Come on, man, you can do it, concentrate!
Ace: See the cougar, Arnie? It's you; can you see it?
Rimmer: Err, sort of.
Ace: Princess Bonjella; Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later, and, hopefully, some sex.
Princess: What a guy!
Captain: Where is the girl?
Officer: In five minutes she'll be facing ze firing squad, Herr Captain.
Captain: Good. And the erstwhile protector?
Officer: Festering in ze cargo hold.
Captain: Ahhh, Ace Rimmer - might one enquire how you escaped your bonds?
Ace: Just had to dislocate both shoulders, pop 'em behind my ears and slip between the ropes. Of course, it's gonna take major orthopaedic surgery to put them back, but rest assured: that won't stop me from rescuing the Princess Bonjella.
Soldier #1: Er ist davongekommen! Ich kann gar nicht glauben, dass er davongekommen ist! (He got away! I can't believe he got away!)
Soldier #2: Das war Ace Rimmer! Wir haben Glueck, dass wir noch am Leben sind! (That was Ace Rimmer! We're lucky to be alive!)
Soldier #3: Was fuer ein Kerl! (What a guy!)
Ace: What I would give for a gun.
Ace: Or a bottle of Listerine!
Captain: Goodbye Ace Rimmer! You were a most worthy adversary!
Captain: Ahh, Mr. Rimmer - sorry I can't stick around for a chat, but I've got to 'blow'...
Captain: Do me a favour will you, and feed Snappy?
Ace (Rimmer): I did it! That's the most heroic thing I've done since I set fire to Stinky Bateman's turn-ups in third from prep!
Ace: Well done, Arnie; you've done us proud. Smoke me a kipper... I'll be back for...
Captain: You're insane, Rimmer. You're out-manned and outgunned.
Ace: You expect me to concede?
Captain: No Mr. Rimmer, I expect you to *die*!
Captain: Take him into the hold, take ten minutes to explain all our plans to him... then... throw him out of the plane.
Cat: This is the JMC transport ship 'Starbug' opening channels, please identify yourselves.
Ace: Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast, how're those kippers doing, fellas?
Cat: Ace, buddy! How're you doin'?
Ace: All the better for seeing you, Cat old friend. Is that a new suit you're wearing? Why, it's sharper than a page of Oscar Wilde witticisms that have been rolled up into a point, sprinkled with lemon juice and jabbed into someone's eye.
Cat: Wow, that's sharp. Thanks buddy!
Rimmer: Okay, allow me to show you to your sleeping quarters. They're about fifty yards down there on the right. Bye!
Ace: I think - I may need some help here, Arn.
Rimmer: Oh, I'll never be Ace! We tried, we failed! I give up.
Ace: All your life you've given up.
Rimmer: Well, maybe after more training!
Ace: I can't keep up the dog and pony show any longer. It's now or never.
Rimmer: What's that?
Ace: Light Bee Remote.
Ace: If you can fool your crew-mates into thinking you're me, we'll know you're ready.
Rimmer: But I'm not ready!
Ace: Try it the other way around.
Ace: I'm not the Ace you met last time, Arnie.
Ace: He caught the business end of a neutron tank in Dimension 165. I'm a hard light hologram, just like you.
Rimmer: Ace is dead?
Ace: I took over from him, and I want you to take over from me.
Rimmer: My god! What *is* that stuff?
Ace: Light Bee's been hit pretty bad, it's a power leakage. Electro-magnetic radiation; I haven't got long. About the time I usually like to spend making love - say, 12 hours, maybe less. After that I'll be too weak to train you.
Ace: What do you say?
Ace: Arnie, I want you to become the next Ace Rimmer.
Ace: I mean it, Arn!
Rimmer: Are fevered rantings one of your symptoms?
Ace: The universe needs a chap to look up to. Someone to right wrongs, just generally be brave, handsome and all-round magnificent.
Rimmer: And you think, I'm your man?
Ace: It's your destiny, Arnie.
Rimmer: What, to wind up looking like a reject from a Gay Pride disco?
Ace: You're just afraid, old son. Afraid that you're not good enough. You've always wanted to play the hero.
Rimmer: I'm not you. I think we established that in your last visit.
Cat: What's happenin', bro? What's happened to goalpost head?
Ace (Rimmer): No, you don't understand. It's not me, it's him.
Kryten: Sir, you're in shock - the trauma has made you speak like Mr. Rimmer.
Cat: What happened?
Lister: Ah, one of them knights has escaped from the AR machine. It's killed Rimmer.
Lister: *Isn't that right, Ace*?
Rimmer: Er, why have you brought me here?
Ace: Take a look around, Arnie. The plateaux, the summit. This is where you must be to become Ace Rimmer.
Rimmer: No, this where you must be to become Maria Von Trapp.
Ace: Smoke me Clipper skipper, I'll be back for breakfast!
Ace: It's part of the legend, I'm not the first Ace, not even the second. There have been, well, let's just say 'more than a couple'. As one Ace dies, he recruits his replacement from a parallel dimension; we all start off as caterpillars and turn into butterflies.
Lister: We're talking about a man who, at the first sight of danger, cowers under tables with a colander on his head.
Ace: Skipper, you can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book; for a start a book's got a spine.
Ace: Let me train him, that's all I ask. Talk to him; persuade him.
Ace: This is my best top, damn it!
Ace: See you later alligator!
Lister: Ace - good to see ya! How're you doing?
Ace: Never better, Skipper. Sorry to DJ so close; ship's computer made a minor calculation error. Poor thing's got a bit of a crush on me; it doesn't know what day it is.
Kryten: So, what have you been up to, sir?
Ace: Nothing special. Saved a couple of universes, overthrown a few dictatorships, turned down a heapful of marriage proposals, and had my highlights done.
Cat: What a guy!
Lister: What the smeeee is going on?
Rimmer: A power drain is knocking out all the generators!
Cat: An object of such awesome power and charisma it's flattened all the grids! At first I thought it was me; turns out it's some kind of craft Dimension Jumping.
Kryten: Any ident details?
Rimmer: The last time we came across a lunatic trying to pull a stunt like this it was 'Captain Smug Git' himself: 'Ace Rimmer'. Dear God, don't make it be him, I couldn't bear it.
Ace: So, what's new with you chaps? Arnie?
Rimmer: I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I've begun researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I've alphabetised our entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with it's fellows.
Cat: I'll take you to the guest quarters, bud; we can catch up! For starters you can tell me the name of your stylist!
Ace: Thanks Cat, but with your driving skills, you should be at the helm.
Ace: Incidentally, it's AstroCuts, in the Theta sector, Dimension 24. Ask for Alphonse.
Cat: Yeoooowww, yeeah!
Ace: Arnie, up for a stroll?
Rimmer: Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas.
Ace: I'll take that as a 'no', then.
Rimmer: What is it? What's the joke?
Lister: Nothin', nothin'.
Rimmer: Well clearly it's not 'nothing'. Clearly you've just heard something terribly amusing, clearly.
Lister: It's just that Ace has just told me about trying to get you to be the next Ace Rimmer...
Rimmer: Yes, sadly I've got to sort out my shoe collection, or I'd have jumped at it like a shot.
Lister: It's just, you, y'know? The next Ace...
Lister: The very idea.
Rimmer: It's not so ridiculous, Lister!
Rimmer: Other versions of me have turned into him. In fact, if I wasn't needed around here so badly, I think I'd very likely take him up on it.
Lister: Rimmer, don't take this the wrong way, but how could you be the next Ace? I mean, you're a gutless, spineless, gormless, direction-less, neurotic, underachieving, sniveling, cowardly pile of smeg. No offence, but get real, man; most eunuchs have got more balls than you.
Rimmer: Well *that*, my fine, madras-guzzling friend, is where you are wrong, because I've taken Ace up on his offer, and training begins...
Rimmer: ...right now.
Rimmer: I knew it! You pretend to be a big shot while they're around, but as soon as no-one's watching you're as butch as an ice-skater's friend. What's the problem? Travel sickness? The strap on your padded codpiece too tight again?
Ace: Sorry to sound so damn melodramatic but, I'm afraid I'm... on the way out.
Rimmer: You're what?
Ace: About to visit the great airfield in the sky. Lose all my breathing privileges.
Rimmer: You're dying?
Ace: You've got it, Arn. Your brain moves quicker than a nun's first curry.
Rimmer: You're really dying?
Ace:Fellows, Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfirst!