Here artwork of literary and other merit will be eventually be housed. But, currently the only thing here, other than a few top ten lists, is a poem written by Priestess Jenny for a class, partially to incur the wrath of all those beastly chauvinists in my class, who kept blithering on about the inherent weakness of womankind. She's quite proud of it, despite it's total lack of literary merit, since Spanish is neither her native language (German) or the one she is currently attending school in (English), yet still aspires to some sort of rhyme scheme, questionable as that may be. If you would like to house something of more depth here, be it writings or otherwise, please do feel free to send an epistle to the church
Un humilde poema dedicado a y inspirado de Danielle Cormack.
Soy acosado por una aflicción,
En que pienso sin vacilación,
un anhelado en mi corazón
para revolver a mi nación...
La nación de Amazonas
Consistiendo en viragos terrenas.
Éstas valientes valquirías
Habérselan intrépidamente con furias.
Soy un admirado de los que
dan este nombre al bosque,
formidables vírgenes guerreras,
en brazos fuertes esgrimen espadas.
Pero ciertamente son otras
Tipas de mujeres Amazonas
Que solamente las combatientes
Que luchan con montantes.
Deseo tener en mi vista
El día de cierto igualdad-
Es inminente, sin dista-
Eso digo con seguridad.
Top Ten Lists...
Top Ten Surprising Facts About Ephiny:
10. Invented the Suede WarriorWonderbra (tm) to distract AND support on the battlefield, sold rights to Salmoneous later.
9. Supports the anti-whaling cause.
8. Home, not salon, perm.
7. Henna really can't be used to lighten hair...
6. If we told you number six, we'd have to kill you, so perhaps it's just as well that there isn't any.
5. Majored in animal husbandry during her stint in Amazon High.*cough*
4. Her birth certificate says Stephanie. (But call her that and
3. Knows the real purpose of the fuzzy thing on Gabrielle's staff, and it makes her blush unseemingly, to boot!
2. Was once a guest on Julia Child's cooking show, teaching her
unique technique for making fruit salad.
1. Aspires to be king of the Amazons.
Top Ten Rejected Amazon merchandising ideas:
10. Ephiny hair care system (soon also availible in Queenly
Chameleon and Psychotic Henna from Hercules).
9. Amazon step aerobics on the corpses of slain menfolk.
8. ABsolution! For quick restoration of that pre-pregnancy midriff as used by Queen Ephiny.
7. Ephiny, Eponin and Solari do Sappho's greatest sing-along hits
(great for those long trail rides).
6. It's not mine, and it's therefore taking up the number 6 spot, but this list wasn't going to be complete without Barron's idea of "Subtext: The Perfume"!
5. Labrys-style kitchen knives, for today's fashionable Amazon. (Hey, they have the Xena glassware, nothing would surprise me.)
4. BRASSieres of Solari-- one piece metallic marvels that are
designed NOT to hinge upon the position of one critical pin to keep together.
3. Amazon High distance schooling, complete with GED program.
(*wince* I think these jokes are starting to become obligatory). Possible course tracks include looting & pillaging, women's studies, and domestic studies- including "Getting nasty bloodstains out of leather 101", "Dining the A-mazos Way-- Everywoman's Guide to a Non-carbohydrate Diet" and "Making your own spirit-animal masks to insure a kempt hairdo in the heat of battle" as well as "Family planning-- how to deal with an interracial relationship". PE now includes "Amazon dodgeball" and "Ceremonial Dances with Swords" as options.
1. Cormatic brand soap and other hygiene product dispensers now replaced by Cormack brand!
BONUS- On field tattoo-artists from Creation availible to immortalise that Danielle autograph BEFORE the Sharpie marker starts to bleed into your skin!
BONUS2- Radio Amazon Detection ApaRatus, to hunt down kiwi amazons who suddenly leave the acting scene and are not to be found for further episodes. Ms. Dignan, where are you??!
BONUS3- Churros! Chobos! Churros!
Top Ten Signs You Like Ephiny Too Much
10. Those cute little stick figures with the wildly curly hair you draw everywhere.
9. You seriously consider emigrating to Austrailia, New Xealand, or Germany for the sole purpose of getting to
see Topless Women Talk About Their Lives sometime soon (in the vain hope that one of the topless woman in question will resemble Ephiny).
8. If not for your parents, you would gladly miss midterms to traipse across the country to witness DC's first convention
appearance. Instead, insist someone shares pictures and profuse
details (hint, hint).
7. You keep neighbors up practicing your secret code of Amazon bird calls at all hours, insisting you must be prepared for an attack on your village.
7b. Now that the official DCdrooler battle cry has been replaced with "Kia[iaiaiaiaiaiayiiiiah] Oraaaahhhhh!" you end up surprising everyone with your convivial willingness to maitre-d neighborhood parties.
6. There was a number 6, but it involved a rather lewd joke about Centaur-Amazon relationships, so we won't go there.
5. Call the producers of Xena insisting you are Ephiny's descendant, ask them to remember in time for the next installment of Xena Scrolls.
4. You decide you must have a
tattoo, but decide it will also have to be your last.
3. People you live with wonder out loud where the peroxide goes. (Note to self- Olgivie combined with lightening dyes means really damaged hair, which means you must put conditioner on the shopping list!)
2. Call ToyBix at 1-800-634-7539 to demand an Ephiny action figure. Often, under different names. Use silly accents waivering somewhere between German and French.
2b. Four words: Ephiny READ Poster campaign.
number one sign you are a die-hard Ephiny fan is...
1. You watch the weather channel for a
few hours on end in hopes of seeing a Danielle look alike.
1b. You make a point of riding USAir simply so that you can analyse whether or not the stewardess in the flight-safety video has "the (Cormack) nose" or not, and whether she can qualify as a Cormack clone despite much darker colouring and straight hair.
Links to Deeply Humorous Top Ten Lists with Ephiny content on Barron's Page:
- TOP TEN PROBLEMS AT THE XENA/GABRIELLE COMMITMENT CEREMONY
- TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE XENA SOLSTICE PARTY
- TOP TEN XENAVERSE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
- TOP TEN SURPRISING AMAZON CUSTOMS
- TOP TEN SURPRISES AT THE BURBANK CONVENTION
EPHINY MONTAGE LINKS:
- http://knerys.simplenet.com/xena/montages/Ephiny.jpg - Ephiny montage by KNerys, with a really neat feathery effect!
- http://barron.simplenet.com/Content-Xena/ephinymontage.html - Ephiny/Danielle Cormack montage by Barron, to be signed by her at a convention! Very nice!
- http://barron.simplenet.com/Content-Xena/amazonnation.html - Amazon Nation montage by Barron, also! (Meaning, all those Amazons we love and obsess over from the Xenaverse, not the new show, of which there is one picture.
(Translation of inept poetry to follow, now run along back to the Church!)